On disappointment

Last November I had one of the most memorable experiences of my life:  I ran the New York City Marathon.  In my opinion, this is one of those "add it to your bucket list" races.  Every moment of this experience is something I will always remember:  from dinner in Times Square the night before the race, sleeping (or TRYING to sleep at least ;-)) in an amazing hotel, riding a ferry past the Statue of Liberty on the journey to the start, and running through the streets of the most electric and exciting cities on Earth, it was all surreal.  The best part of the entire experience, though, was participating as a member of Team Believe. 

Me with JB, a Team Believe teammate and dear friend

Anyone who knows me...or who has glanced at this little blog just once...likely knows of my passion for children with disabilities.  I work as a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist and recently had the privilege of combining my love of running with my love for children with disabilities as a member of Team Believe.  This team was created in 2013 and consists of marathon runners striving to further the mission of Easter Seals while raising money and awareness for children with disabilities who receive therapy services through Easter Seals of Central Illinois.  Last year's team consisted of ten runners who each ran the New York City Marathon.

 

The primary focus of my training efforts last year was to get to the finish line of Ironman Wisconsin in September, which was to be my first full-140.6-mile triathlon.  In August I started experiencing some aches and pains in my right leg that resulted in backing off a bit on my run training for about a month leading up to the race.  It wasn't too big of a deal, since it was basically time to taper training down prior to the race anyway.  After successfully completing Ironman Wisconsin, I gave my body a much-needed break...for a bit anyway.  Two weeks afterwards I ran a half marathon in the Quad Cities with my sister. After that, I didn't run much again until mid-October when I ran a 5k benefiting my sister's workplace and got second overall female (out of a very small field I must add :-)).  I do recall my leg feeling less than "good" during that race and wondering in the back of my head if it was a bad idea to run that race "hard" with the NYC Marathon just a few weeks away.

 

Though I was definitely feeling less than 100%, I made it to the start line of the NYC Marathon.  More importantly, I made it to the finish line of that race.  I ran the first eight miles of the race with my good friend Jen and after that let her carry on while I dropped back.  My leg had started bothering me, but not enough to stop me.  Crossing the finish line in 4:14:31 was an amazing feeling.  However, mere walking after that was NOT so amazing.  It's interesting how my body held it together just long enough to get me to the finish line.  The walk back to my hotel was pretty terrible. Walking around the city the day after the race was also awful.



Somewhere around mile 7-8 in NYC!

The Tuesday after returning home I went to visit a friend who is a physical therapist who suggested after doing a few tests that it seemed like I was presenting with a stress fracture in my tibia (knowing of course that we couldn't know for certain without imaging).  He suggests that I slap on a walking boot for 6 weeks or so and I didn't object.  For much of the winter months, I took it easy.  I did a teeny bit of swimming and I rode my bike on the indoor trainer a fair amount.  But, I gave running a good long break.

 

This spring I decided to commit to being a part of Team Believe for a second year.  This year, my plan was to run the Chicago Marathon.  Easter Seals had secured 10 charity spots in the NYC Marathon again for this year, as well as 5 spots in Chicago.  Not only was I excited to run for my Easter Seals kiddos again, but I was excited on a personal level as this event would be five years after the date of my very first marathon (which also happened to be in Chicago!) and it would be my eleventh marathon. 

 

My run training this spring and summer had been inconsistent at best.  I had the same lingering, nagging pain in my right leg that just wouldn't quit.  It seemed to become particularly intense after I ran a mile race in June.  I tried to push the pain sensations to the back of my mind for a while and carried on running in July.  I ran 14 miles on the 4th of July with Clint (one of my favorite summer memories, actually).  We ran a short warmup prior to a 5-mile race in our town, ran the 5 miles back to our car, ate some breakfast with friends and then ran an additional 3+ miles out on some trails not far from home.  The following week, I ran the Dog Days 5k for the first time (and won my age group with a time of 23:10) on July 12 and later that night ran the 4 mile Moonlight Chase in Eldridge, Iowa with Clint and my sister.  My last "hoorah" was the 7-mile Bix in Davenport at the end of July.  I ran the Bix in 56:46, identical to my time last year (so weird!) and just 4 seconds slower than my PR set in 2010.  After the Bix, it became brutally evident that my leg pain was not going anywhere anytime soon.

 

Enter August:  I finally decided to schedule some physical therapy appointments to get things taken care of.  It appeared as if I was presenting with posterior tibial tendinitis.  I learned some exercises and was fairly diligent with carryover.  I did exercises at work in my office and did exercises at home.  I received some kind of painful astym therapy that resulted in some crazy big bruises all over my leg (yet *hopefully* did some good as well).  I learned some techniques for improving my less-than-ideal running form from my therapist and from Clint.  

 

All throughout, I had my heart set on still running Chicago in October. I had my Easter Seals support letters written and ready to send out at the end of August, the deadline I had set for myself regarding making the decision whether or not I would be running.  I had it in my head that even thought I missed lots of training and all-important long runs this summer, I would still be able to mentally power through the race since I "know what running a marathon is like."  A number of people close to me made me realize that this was not in my best interest and was an irrational thought pattern.  Sure, I could probably get though the race.  But at what cost to my already injured body?

 

Last week I made the very difficult decision to remove myself from the Chicago Marathon.  I can't fittingly put into words how disappointed I was (and still am) to have to do this.  Not only was it stepping back from something I really wanted to do because I truly love marathoning, but it was letting down a team and a cause I feel strongly about and had committed myself to.  This is all very hard to swallow.

I'd be lying if I said I have handled this situation completely graciously.  I have had a few selfish pity-parties, including a cry on the couch moment (thanks, Clint, for not rolling your eyes at my dramatics ;-)).  But, I know it's NOT and it SHOULDN'T be about me.  In the midst of being wrapped up with my injury and my own disappointment, I was losing sight of the whole reason I had set out to run this marathon in the first place:  for the kids.

 

Regardless of if I run another step in my entire life, these kids are running races....Every.  Single. Day.  

 

They're pressing on, taking those first steps and saying those first words.  Easter Seals exists to help children facing challenges and to help their families learn how to overcome these challenges.  I'm honored to be but a small part of this organization and to have the ability to help change lives through speech therapy services and through my involvement with Team Believe. 

This weekend I will be attending one of our fundraising events, The Grape Soirée, with this little cutie and his sweet family.  I'm excited to hear them share their story and to talk about his challenges and ultimately his inspirational triumphs against some pretty big and scary obstacles.  For him...and for all of the other children who receive services through Easter Seals...it's important to keep spreading the word and raising support so more families can get the help they need.

What's next for my running?  Well, I have an X-ray scheduled for Thursday to get a possible peek at what might be going on inside my leg.  Obviously my plan moving forward depends on what is unearthed (if anything!) then.  If it's a stress fracture (which I do believe in my heart it is...though I'm definitely no doctor!), I'll be rocking a boot here for the next month and a half or so.  After that, I'm determined to get stronger.  I've  started working on my running form with "Coach Clint" (my accomplished boyfriend who happens to know a thing or two about running).  However, if I have a stress fracture and have to wear a boot...it means that this run-form rehab work must go on hiatus for a while...and frankly it kind of scares me to start back at square one in a few months.  But I'm definitely going to give it my best shot.

 

I'm learning that there's a lot of happiness to be found wherever you are.  Disappointment can be a catalyst for joy if you allow it to be.  I'm choosing to be grateful...grateful for the families brought into my life through Easter Seals, grateful for my supportive friends and family and boyfriend, and grateful for each new day for a chance to try again.

 

If you were considering supporting my fundraising efforts for Easter Seals this fall, consider instead a donation in honor of my dear friend Jen.  Check out her fundraising page HERE.  Jen is running the NYC Marathon this November for the second year!  If you want to read more about the "chance" beginning to our friendship, read this post where I write about our first marathon together.  Jen is an amazing woman doing amazing things for the kids of Easter Seals and I am honored to call her my friend.

 

Thank you...for reading and for considering supporting Easter Seals.  

 

Go out and have an amazing day...in spite of whatever disappointments may come your way, there's always something wonderful to be grateful for.

~Rachel