Not for the faint of heart

Triathlons are disgusting endeavors. Triathletes force their bodies to do some pretty incredible...and downright gross...things.  Personally, I find the nastiness....fascinating.  Surely this means something is wrong with me...  If my father is reading this...Dad, I am sorry I have failed at becoming the classy woman you tried to raise.  Seeing as you were appalled that I used a wretched porta potty during a recent family vacation over the 4th of July in Washington DC ("RACH!  Ladies don't use porta potties!")...reading this will surely bring you to tears.  I am sorry...

Training is gross...and racing is even more nasty. In my former life as "just a runner," I had a few icky encounters.  Examples:  1.  I learned that no porta potties on earth are grosser than porta potties on race courses on race mornings.  2.  During my first marathon (Chicago in 2009), I was horrified to see runners urinating and defecating not far from the road as other runners continued to pass.  I could not fathom how or why they would do such things.  Since then, I've become considerably more immune to such displays.  However, since crossing over into the land of triathlon...I've learned that unkempt porta potties and the spectacle of publicly relieving oneself merely comprise the tip of the iceberg concerning disgusting aspects of the sport.

Swimming in lakes and/or rivers....looks like fun, right?  Sure, if you enjoy swallowing and/or snorting up facefuls of dirty water. Fish, sand, bugs...those are just a few of the less-gross things present in bodies of open water. I've had the pleasure of ingesting water reeking and tasting of boat exhaust.  I am certain there are some sort of awful carcinogens present in that nastiness.  Those athletes swimming furiously through that yucky water, hurrying around the colorful buoys marking off the race course?  Yeah, many are peeing in their wetsuits.  Perhaps even more than once if it's a longer race.  Have I personally peed in my wetsuit?  Sure!  It definitely beats trying to swim with a full bladder.

After bathing in dirty water and baking in bits of urine trapped inside their wetsuits, triathletes hurry out of the water and to the transition zone where they wrestle out of their rubber suits (if they are wearing a wetsuit anyway) and grab their bikes and related accoutrements.  They may or may not slurp down a delicious gel/goo-ey energy/electrolyte treat before scurrying out of the transition zone and hopping on their bike at the designated line.  Those shoes that they quickly cram their feet into?  They likely reek of sweat and mildew (maybe it's just mine?!).  speaking of pee...I may or may not have peed myself during the transition from swim to bike during a race once...I can't really remember...

It's doubtful that any deodorant is applied in the transition from swim to bike (why would we take the time to do this?!  This would cost seconds!).  Any that may have been applied prior to the start of the event has most definitely washed off in the lovely swimming portion.  Biking any distance with any sort of intensity works up a nice sweat...meaning that most athletes start to develop quite an aroma.  Lake remains, plus body odor....mmmmm.

Sitting on a bike saddle for any amount of time typically isn't the most comfortable of activities.  Personally, I've recently had some super uncomfortable (and painful, really)...issues...related to sitting on a bike saddle for 70+ mile training rides.  Subsequently, I have been shopping around for a new (hopefully more forgiving!) saddle.  Additionally, a friend just introduced me to an incredible substance...Buttonhole Chamois Cream.  Friends, fellow triathletes, hear me out:  this stuff is life-changing...in the best possible ways.  According to the manufacturer's website, "Utilizing the highest quality chamois cream ingredients, we have engineered Enzo’s ButtonHole Chamois Cream to reduce friction, inflammation and other sensations that make the button angry.  The longer the button can stay on the saddle, the happier you and the button will be. Enzo’s combines melaleuca oil, hamamelis, the Wu-Chu-Yu herb and organic silicone compounds to produce the ultimate button protection during those grueling cycling rides."  Not only does Buttonhole Chamois Cream reduce friction...it has some sort of magical numbing agent(s) that kinda freezes up everything down there (how do you use it you ask?  Well, you smear it all over the chamois/padding inside your biking shorts!).  I'm telling you.  Life changing.  Don't just take my word for it.  Get out and buy some, prontissimo! 
Enough about that...

Sometimes there are porta potties available along bike courses...and sometimes there are not.  Sometimes athletes simply let their bladders go while on the bike...and sometimes some take the few precious seconds/minutes to jump off and pee along the road (whether or not a porta potty is available).  Choices made regarding relieving oneself typically reflect the desires of the individual related to finish times (taking the time to stop to use a "civilized" porta potty could cost a lot in the way of finish times!).  Last summer, during a half-Iron distance race in Minnesota I made the mistake of peeing while biking toward the end of the bike portion (let me be clear...I did not make this choice because I thought I had any chance of any sort of stellar finish time.  Really, I just wanted to get the race over with and didn't want to take the time to locate a peeing facility).  I then got off of the bike with still-wet tri shorts and started running the half marathon portion of the event.  It didn't take long at all for me to realize I was encountering some pretty epic chafing.  Said epic chafing required a subsequent trip to Walgreens for some extra-strength Desitin to cure my chafing/diaper rash.  Smearing diaper rash cream on oneself as an adult is kind of a humbling experience.  Horrid.

Once the bike portion of the race is over, it's on to the glorious run.  Sweat, maybe more pee, maybe some chafing, potential visits to a porta potty...all par for the course.  Nothing too major.  Really, the run is the least-gross part of the whole thing.

After the race...the fun isn't over.  Then, race participants have the privilege of clearing their gear out of the transition zone.  Soggy wetsuits, towels, socks, shoes, swim cap, goggles, water bottles, etc., etc.  All of it must go.  Often, we stuff it all into some sort of large "transition bag" and cram it in our cars.  If the race has necessitated any amount of travel (as most do!), it means your sweaty, wet, smelly gear will likely bake in your hot car for hours...or even days...before meeting up with a washing machine.

Yes, triathlons are disgusting endeavors....but I really love this little hobby of mine!  Plus, perhaps all of the germs and gross substances I've encountered during training and races are simply building up my immune system!  Yeah, I'll keep telling myself that :).

In other news...today marks TWO months between me and my first Ironman!  Just 63 training days left....egads!!  I've got a sneaky suspicion that these two months are gonna FLY!  Ready or not...

Decision...It's time for some Big Confessions

I've decided that since this is MY blog (and I don't think that many people really read it anyway ;), which, quite frankly is the way I like it! ;))....I should:
1) write about anything and everything that I want to
2) be completely honest and not hold anything back
3) write about the really funny, really disgusting things that happen to me because: a) I CAN'T possibly be the only "runner" who has had such mishaps (can I?!) and b) because I crack myself up...and what's better than that?! ;) (I am a loser. Really. My husband should've been warned before tying the knot...)

For these reasons, I bring you: Rachel's Running-Related Bowel Mishaps, Vol. 1

I think it would be fair to take this time to give you some background information on my, err, bowel issues. Since approximately 2002 I have been plagued with some odd (??) GI issues that really run the gamut from one end of the spectrum to the other (let me spell this out for you....either I was all backed up and so bloated that my stomach actually looked as if it was gestating life inside....OR I had to run to the bathroom seconds after eating to unleash some terrible, terrible things). Long story short, last year it was determined that I have some form of gluten intolerance (whether it is actually Celiac Disease or something else is really up in the air, and at this point I'm fine with the limbo stage I'm in because, quite frankly, I feel great sans gluten and don't really have time to think about getting further tests, etc.) and have been officially GLUTEN FREE since October 18, 2008....check out my silly GF blog if you are interested in learning more about my adventures or the GF diet in general (I did my best not to plagiarize like Elizabeth Hasselbeck and cite sources to give credit where credit is due, etc. ;)).

Ok, so all of that being said...the point is, I do not have a "normal" digestive system. So, my "problems" are not my fault. Except for maybe the fact that I have been known to eat a Taco Bell Bean Burrito before running 5 miles on a hot afternoon. Maybe I was asking for it then. But that's neither here, nor now.

Ok, I bring you Exibit 1:

Last summer my husband and I were "training" for the Bix 7, a 7-mile race (hence the name!) in the Quad Cities that is held the last weekend in July each summer. It was to be my 5th Bix and his 4th. I am, in general, a stronger runner than my husband (I run year-round while he tends to just run February or March through October or so; he chooses to do primarily weight training in the colder months....but he's starting to get better at doing some indoor cardio during those colder months).

It was a Friday in the summer, and I was working in Peoria. Fridays tended to be busy days for me; I liked working through my lunch break in order to leave for home an hour or so earlier and thus getting back to Bloomington (where we live) earlier and starting my weekend ASAP. So, I tended to skip eating lunch if I was too rushed in the morning and didn't take time to pack a lunch. Clearly not a good idea. SO, on this particular Friday I decided to stop at Taco Bell (uh...) and pick up a Bean Burrito on my way home, since I was STARVING...and they were "on special" for like 79 cents on Fridays at this certain Taco Bell by my workplace. I devoured said burrito while driving and then when I got home, embarked on a 6-or-so mile run with Jer (this was over an hour after eating the burrito...so I didn't imagine that there would be any issues. I was wrong.). Well, about 1.5 miles from home, I began to feel some rumblings in my stomach. I chose to ignore them, and pressed on. A half a mile or so after that, there was no denying what was going on. I had to go...and I had to go IMMEDIATELY. I informed Jeremy of this and he suggested that I turn around and run back toward home, as there was a Porta Potty in a park on the way home. This sounded like a swell idea, so I turned around and began running 2 or so miles back home by myself...about .25 of a mile later, IT happened. I crapped my pants. And it didn't stop. Seriously. So, here I was...nearly 2 miles from home and about a half a mile from the Porta Potty and I was running with a serious load in my pants (I was wearing black loose-fitting capri-length pants, so at least I had that working in my favor)....

To be Continued...