Monday, July 8, 2013

Not for the faint of heart

Triathlons are disgusting endeavors. Triathletes force their bodies to do some pretty incredible...and downright gross...things.  Personally, I find the nastiness....fascinating.  Surely this means something is wrong with me...  If my father is reading this...Dad, I am sorry I have failed at becoming the classy woman you tried to raise.  Seeing as you were appalled that I used a wretched porta potty during a recent family vacation over the 4th of July in Washington DC ("RACH!  Ladies don't use porta potties!")...reading this will surely bring you to tears.  I am sorry...

Training is gross...and racing is even more nasty. In my former life as "just a runner," I had a few icky encounters.  Examples:  1.  I learned that no porta potties on earth are grosser than porta potties on race courses on race mornings.  2.  During my first marathon (Chicago in 2009), I was horrified to see runners urinating and defecating not far from the road as other runners continued to pass.  I could not fathom how or why they would do such things.  Since then, I've become considerably more immune to such displays.  However, since crossing over into the land of triathlon...I've learned that unkempt porta potties and the spectacle of publicly relieving oneself merely comprise the tip of the iceberg concerning disgusting aspects of the sport.

Swimming in lakes and/or rivers....looks like fun, right?  Sure, if you enjoy swallowing and/or snorting up facefuls of dirty water. Fish, sand, bugs...those are just a few of the less-gross things present in bodies of open water. I've had the pleasure of ingesting water reeking and tasting of boat exhaust.  I am certain there are some sort of awful carcinogens present in that nastiness.  Those athletes swimming furiously through that yucky water, hurrying around the colorful buoys marking off the race course?  Yeah, many are peeing in their wetsuits.  Perhaps even more than once if it's a longer race.  Have I personally peed in my wetsuit?  Sure!  It definitely beats trying to swim with a full bladder.

After bathing in dirty water and baking in bits of urine trapped inside their wetsuits, triathletes hurry out of the water and to the transition zone where they wrestle out of their rubber suits (if they are wearing a wetsuit anyway) and grab their bikes and related accoutrements.  They may or may not slurp down a delicious gel/goo-ey energy/electrolyte treat before scurrying out of the transition zone and hopping on their bike at the designated line.  Those shoes that they quickly cram their feet into?  They likely reek of sweat and mildew (maybe it's just mine?!).  speaking of pee...I may or may not have peed myself during the transition from swim to bike during a race once...I can't really remember...

It's doubtful that any deodorant is applied in the transition from swim to bike (why would we take the time to do this?!  This would cost seconds!).  Any that may have been applied prior to the start of the event has most definitely washed off in the lovely swimming portion.  Biking any distance with any sort of intensity works up a nice sweat...meaning that most athletes start to develop quite an aroma.  Lake remains, plus body odor....mmmmm.

Sitting on a bike saddle for any amount of time typically isn't the most comfortable of activities.  Personally, I've recently had some super uncomfortable (and painful, really)...issues...related to sitting on a bike saddle for 70+ mile training rides.  Subsequently, I have been shopping around for a new (hopefully more forgiving!) saddle.  Additionally, a friend just introduced me to an incredible substance...Buttonhole Chamois Cream.  Friends, fellow triathletes, hear me out:  this stuff is life-changing...in the best possible ways.  According to the manufacturer's website, "Utilizing the highest quality chamois cream ingredients, we have engineered Enzo’s ButtonHole Chamois Cream to reduce friction, inflammation and other sensations that make the button angry.  The longer the button can stay on the saddle, the happier you and the button will be. Enzo’s combines melaleuca oil, hamamelis, the Wu-Chu-Yu herb and organic silicone compounds to produce the ultimate button protection during those grueling cycling rides."  Not only does Buttonhole Chamois Cream reduce friction...it has some sort of magical numbing agent(s) that kinda freezes up everything down there (how do you use it you ask?  Well, you smear it all over the chamois/padding inside your biking shorts!).  I'm telling you.  Life changing.  Don't just take my word for it.  Get out and buy some, prontissimo
Enough about that...

Sometimes there are porta potties available along bike courses...and sometimes there are not.  Sometimes athletes simply let their bladders go while on the bike...and sometimes some take the few precious seconds/minutes to jump off and pee along the road (whether or not a porta potty is available).  Choices made regarding relieving oneself typically reflect the desires of the individual related to finish times (taking the time to stop to use a "civilized" porta potty could cost a lot in the way of finish times!).  Last summer, during a half-Iron distance race in Minnesota I made the mistake of peeing while biking toward the end of the bike portion (let me be clear...I did not make this choice because I thought I had any chance of any sort of stellar finish time.  Really, I just wanted to get the race over with and didn't want to take the time to locate a peeing facility).  I then got off of the bike with still-wet tri shorts and started running the half marathon portion of the event.  It didn't take long at all for me to realize I was encountering some pretty epic chafing.  Said epic chafing required a subsequent trip to Walgreens for some extra-strength Desitin to cure my chafing/diaper rash.  Smearing diaper rash cream on oneself as an adult is kind of a humbling experience.  Horrid.

Once the bike portion of the race is over, it's on to the glorious run.  Sweat, maybe more pee, maybe some chafing, potential visits to a porta potty...all par for the course.  Nothing too major.  Really, the run is the least-gross part of the whole thing.

After the race...the fun isn't over.  Then, race participants have the privilege of clearing their gear out of the transition zone.  Soggy wetsuits, towels, socks, shoes, swim cap, goggles, water bottles, etc., etc.  All of it must go.  Often, we stuff it all into some sort of large "transition bag" and cram it in our cars.  If the race has necessitated any amount of travel (as most do!), it means your sweaty, wet, smelly gear will likely bake in your hot car for hours...or even days...before meeting up with a washing machine.

Yes, triathlons are disgusting endeavors....but I really love this little hobby of mine!  Plus, perhaps all of the germs and gross substances I've encountered during training and races are simply building up my immune system!  Yeah, I'll keep telling myself that :).

In other news...today marks TWO months between me and my first Ironman!  Just 63 training days left....egads!!  I've got a sneaky suspicion that these two months are gonna FLY!  Ready or not...

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