I love writing...almost as much as I love running.
I've loved writing ever since the sixth grade when a likely-too-kind language arts teacher praised a story I'd written. It is one thing that if I "had more time", I'd love to do more of and expand my skill set in. I've found writing to be "therapeutic"....whenever I have too many thoughts or worries rattling around in my head, it typically helps me to sort through things a bit if I get the words out in some fashion. In my younger years, I filled countless journals with musings and dreams. More recently, I've blogged. I had a blog in college that I abandoned years ago. I've had a few in more recent years that I have posted in somewhat sporadically. I even started a completely anonymous blog on New Year's Day 2012...less than a month after moving out on my own. In it, I recorded some of the adventures I experienced as a newly (unhappily) single woman living alone for the first time in her entire life. I haven't written in it for a number of months now because I've forgotten the password (and I've also forgotten the e-mail address I made up to go along with it...whoops!). However, I still enjoy going back to read my entries sometimes. My crises make me laugh...and smile when I realize how far I really HAVE come. But anyway...on to the real point of this post...
Ideas for possible blog posts have been rolling around in my head ever since news of the Boston Marathon bombings arrived to me via text message Monday afternoon, April 15, 2013. This post has remained a "draft" for weeks. Every few days, I'd open it up and delete...write...edit...ponder.
I know writing this is somewhat dangerous...I don't want to appear as if I am trying too hard to make a national catastrophe somehow pertinent to me, because it's not about me. I wasn't even there. But, I'd be lying if I said it hasn't affected me in some ways. I know I can't be the only "casual" runner who feels the way I do. Since that awful day, I've toed the starting line of two races. Each time, my mind has wandered to such places as "I wonder what it felt like to be there on that day." I have many more races on my agenda between now and my 2013 A-race (Ironman Wisconsin is in now less than four months!)...and I know I'll carry a bit of those thoughts with me to each one.
On the afternoon of Monday, April 15 I checked my phone in between students' speech therapy sessions. I had a number of text messages, all urging me to check the news...telling me that there had been explosions at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. I remember being confused and I can still feel the furrowing of my eyebrows and wrinkling of my forehead as those words danced in front of my eyes. Typing "Boston explosion" into Google immediately brought up a number of frightening news posts. As I perused the limited and repetitive information available on the Internet at the time, text messages from well-meaning friends continued to roll in...now many were asking me if I happened to be in Boston running.
I remember fighting back involuntary and unwelcome tears a number of times as the day went on. Confusion, fear, disgust, disbelief all coursed through my veins. I checked the Internet for updates in between sessions with students. I certainly conducted sub-par therapy sessions as my head was not fully in the game. My thoughts were in Boston.
4:09. The explosion at the finish line occurred when the timing clock was at four hours and nine minutes. My 7 marathons have roughly averaged that time. Some faster, some slower...but all within that general vicinity. In my head, I imagined a bunch of "me's" crossing the finish at that time. I couldn't stop myself from imagining their fear, pain and confusion.
In the days following that afternoon, I became almost obsessed with reading accounts of runners who were in Boston on that day. I read blog entries, Facebook posts and news interviews. I seldom watch the news, heck I rarely even turn ON the television in my apartment. Yet, on the evening of Friday, April 19 I laid on my couch and nervously watched for hours as the live news unfolded: one of the alleged bombers was captured in his hiding place in a boat in someones back yard before the country's eyes that night.
I remember finally getting off the couch around 10:30 that night and finally getting in a workout. I climbed onto my bike trainer in my living room for a 90 minute ride, my mind spinning almost as fast as my legs. The drama and sadness from the week weighed heavy on my head. I remember feeling guilty, for allowing myself to become so mentally bogged down by all of it when I wasn't even there. It all seemed very surreal, like a bad dream.
Running, to me, is a gift. I don't expect non-runners to understand, but I know that this sentiment resonates with many runners. We run for clarity, health, sanity, peace. We run to feel alive, to feel the comforting discomfort our body feels after miles of pounding. We run for camaraderie, to strengthen bonds with friends and to forge exciting new relationships. We run for those who cannot...we run because something in us feels like it truly was made to run. The events in Boston made me feel as if there was something out there that was trying to take this gift away from everyone who enjoys it.
Runners are some of the most selfless, kind and giving people I've ever encountered. Runners are accepting and forgiving. The running community raises money and support for countless organizations in many towns all over the world. One example in my area: a member of our local running club hosts an event nearly every month that raises money for a different charity each run. Many races give money to organizations that fight cancer, autism, child abuse, hunger and other atrocities. If anyone ever called runners as a group selfish, singularly minded or struck-up, they'd be sorely mistaken.
There have been far too many large-scale human-caused tragedies during my lifetime (ok...just ONE would be too many)....9/11, school shootings, parents going nuts and killing their own children, crazy men kid kidnapping young girls and keeping them locked up for years, shootings in movie theaters, shootings in churches and shopping malls...now bombings at a marathon...the list goes on and on. It's more than enough to make a person wary of going anywhere a large group of people could be present for fear of it being a "target" of some sort of attack. I want nothing more than to be a mother someday...but recently I've had thoughts like "do I really want to bring a child into this evil, sad world?" Again...I know I am not alone in these kinds of thoughts.
But...I know we can't hole up in our homes. We can't avoid subways and stadiums and theaters and finish lines. And, we can't suppress our dreams. Dreams like becoming a parent, cycling across the country, climbing Mount Everest, getting our PhD, or completing an Ironman....these dreams and others like them bring so much to our world and we can't give up on them. Or...at least we shouldn't. Life is for living, for living to the fullest. Giving up on ourselves and on our dreams would be a disservice...to ourselves, our families, our friends and to those we would inspire or serve along the path to achieving our dreams.
I will keep racing, and I will certainly keep running. I won't be writing messages reminiscent of Boston my shirt or wearing pictures of victims to races. Those kinds of displays, while poignant when sincere, are not my style. However, I will carry thoughts of those affected directly by the horrid events with me to each event I participate in and on each run I take. They will be a reminder to me that this very moment is the only one that we are promised. Not one of us knows just how long we will be here on this beautiful earth. We have the responsibility to live genuinely and compassionately, to live out our moments to the fullest.
I eagerly look forward to the day when I too cross the finish line in Boston. I have yet to qualify for this race...I've done seven marathons to date and was about 15 minutes shy of qualifying (quite a bit :)) in the race I PR'ed in (September 2012). I've still got a lot of work to do! Thoughts of Boston have inspired me long before these events ... since the summer of 2009 when I started training for my first marathon. The Boston Marathon has been a goal for countless runners for longer than I even know. I'm confident that the race and the Boston community will only be made stronger after this year. I have a feeling that there will be many runners, like myself, who are feeling an even stronger fervor to train and qualify. Together, we will continue to show the world the strength the running community possesses. We won't give up on ourselves, each other or on our dreams. And we certainly won't stop running.
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