So far I've changed my name in 9 places and have approximately 18 more to go (until I remember another...which seems to keep happening). For someone who hasn't had to go through this, know I definitely wouldn't wish it upon you. It's quite the pain in the rear. Sure, sitting in government offices (lovely establishments including the DMV, Social Security Administration, circuit clerk) is time-consuming and irritating on many levels (though can provide some entertainment value as well). However, the part of the whole thing that feels far worse than all of that is the emotional/mental piece.
I'd been "Rachel Brunner" for 5 years, 8 months and 12 days. Rachel Brunner accomplished many things and experienced a lot in that time. First half marathon, first full marathon. First triathlon, first half Ironman. Trips to Mexico, California, Hawaii, Washington DC, Florida, Massachusetts, and Minnesota. And...I've seen countless clients for speech/language therapy through three different employers. Stood up in my sister's and my brother's weddings. Held my niece at mere hours old. Becoming known by a new name is....awkward. Sad. Just plain weird.
Changing my name requires a new driver's license, social security card, and credit cards. It requires changing my name on my bank accounts and at my doctors' offices, changing my name with my (three) employers, getting new work badges and email addresses, and learning to sign my name daily with a different last name. I've already caught my hand trying to revert back to its old motor pattern of signing my former married name a number of times this week.
On my list of places to contact this week regarding my name change include the USAT and Ironman. Ironman? Most definitely!! You see...I've heard that they announce your name as you cross the finish of Ironman races. Let me tell you what, if I cross that finish line after 140.6 miles of pain and perseverence and the announcer says, "Rachel Brunner...you are an Ironman!!!"...I will likely lose it. Here's hoping they change it without a fuss. We'll see. If not...I might need earplugs. The sound of that name would likely induce vomiting at that point...or something.
While it's definitely taking some adjusting to get used to my new-old name, it does feel good overall. Once again, I'm tied by name to my parents and brother/sister-in-law, four people who I love and respect, so that's one good thing I guess.
A good friend texted me this picture today:
I could not agree more. Sometimes I feel guilty for my feelings of sadness over my current "state" and I know I've induced frustration in people close to me by the seemingly long "grieving" process I seem to be in the middle of (sometimes more or less than others!)! The fact is, there are no rules for this...no time lines...and no "right" way of doing things or feeling. Recently I've finally started giving myself a bit of freedom to "feel" instead of keeping it all hidden and locked inside. Sometimes it presents a challenge as I feel decreased motivation to do anything, frankly. Sitting on the couch being sad feels easier than lacing up my shoes and pounding some pavement. Thankfully, my mind knows strongly the great feelings that come from training and racing...so I haven't let myself fall TOO far off the training wagon!
Next Saturday (June 15) I will be completing my first tri as Rachel Matyasse. It is an Olympic distance race in Rockford, IL and I am really looking forward to it. All things considered, I know I will be "ok". I'm surrounded by a super network of friends and family who won't let me quit.
I'm looking forward to becoming the best version of myself. In with the new (well, the old "new" anyway ;-)), out with the old. Here's to an epic summer!
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